


let me hide my sad face for you, so that you can easily leave me

by honeyshibs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Na Jaemin-centric, Polyamory, Sad Na Jaemin, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Abuse, will be updating tags as I go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:15:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26886472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyshibs/pseuds/honeyshibs
Summary: ‘Sometimes I wish I was dead.’Jaemin is nothing but a useless, ungrateful, lazy and stupid child. That's what his mother always told him. Such a waste of precious air, right?(basically a vent fic, please read the tags before reading since it’s some pretty heavy stuff!)
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 70





	let me hide my sad face for you, so that you can easily leave me

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember to read the tags before you proceed to read this fic! Since it contains some very triggering and heavy stuff! Thank you!
> 
> I will be updating the tags as I go, if I forgot something that should have been tagged then please feel free to tell me!
> 
> My very first fic I’m putting out into the public qwq so hopefully I don’t get a bad response....  
> Updates will probably be very slow just a warning... cuz life do b hard hahaha

'Sometimes I wish I was dead.' Na Jaemin thought to himself. 

It's a thought that often crosses his mind.

How could he not want to. When he was constantly being reminded of how much easier it would be for his mother... and probably everyone around him... if he just didn't exist.

His mother have never actually said "I wish you were dead" directly to him, but Jaemin knows that's what she really meant. "If I knew you were going to be like this, then I would have never given birth to you" is basically the same thing. That's all she ever says to him nowadays along with her vicious scolding and degrading comments.

He's always being insulted, there's not a single day where he doesn't hear something hurtful about him. Everything he does is wrong. He can't do anything right.

Jaemin is nothing but a useless, ungrateful, lazy and stupid child. That's what his mother always told him. Such a waste of precious air, right?

Jaemin doesn't remember when the verbal abuse started. Just vaguely remembers that when he first heard it, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried for hours. He really couldn't believe it back then, that his own mother would say something so hurtful to him. But the more he heard it, the more he started to believe it. Yes, he agrees, he would be better off dead.

'I would like to die, please.'

Escape this harsh reality that his weak and fragile heart obviously wasn't meant to handle. Sometimes it feels like his whole existence is just a combination of feeling suffocated and empty.

Some days it's hard for him to breathe. He's drowning. The whole world is against him, the tears won't stop and he just wants to hide away. So suffocating.

And some days he just feels so empty. Like he's incapable of feeling anything at all. He's apathetic, can't get out of bed and his eyes become lifeless. So empty.

He's not in control of these feelings, they come at him without warning, and it scares him.  
This is not something he wants to be, why is he like this? Why can't it all just stop?

He wonders how things got so bad. So bad that he had to resort to...

Jaemin learned that the only way of getting rid of this feeling of suffocation and emptiness... is to succumb to the sharp and shiny blade.  
The blade, always so reliable, helping him feel again. He can almost always calm down again with a few cuts to his legs or arms.

The pain feels good, it's something Jaemin is in control of. He'll admit he was a bit scared of the sight of blood at first, but now it hardly bothers him anymore. But as much as it feels good, he tries to not cut too often, at least where it's most visible. Because he's afraid that he'll slip up one day and accidentally reveal something. So Jaemin avoids the temptation of cutting his arms as much as possible. The scars he makes there are not as easy to hide like the ones he makes on his legs, where the majority of his scars resides.

No one can know about this, especially his friends. Because they will realize how broken Jaemin is, how everything about Jaemin is so fucked up, and then they'll leave him.

And as much as he deserves it, Jaemin doesn't want to lose them. His friends have always been extremely precious to him, he couldn't bare it. Jaemin doesn't think he'll be able to continue.

'You're so selfish, Na Jaemin. Desperately clinging to people that obviously deserves better.'

Deep down, Jaemin knows that he's showing a lot of signs of depression and some other stuff... But he's okay.

He's not depressed, he swears he isn't. Just- feeling down from time to time. Everyone feels down sometimes, maybe Jaemin feels down more than others, but that's nothing to be concerned of. Jaemin is okay, he doesn't need help.

And life was... not always that bad. There are some days where Jaemin is happy, even though those days are getting more and more scarce.

There are some days where Jaemin can genuinely smile and fully laugh. No pretending. Days where he’ll actually enjoy himself and see the wonder in the world again. But it all disappears too quickly. He misses those days and wishes they would come more often. 

Happy is a nice feeling. He just wants to be happy. Why is it so hard to be happy?

His friends are the main reason there’s still sunshine in his cold world. He loves his friends so so much, there's nothing he wouldn't do for them. They are amazing people that make him extremely happy. He has made it his personal job to always make sure they are happy and smiling and laughing, he will always care for them. 

His friends... they are his treasures. The reason he’s still here today, because he wants to see their smiles.

He doesn’t deserve such amazing people. 

Jaemin would take a bullet for them if it ever came to it. He’ll always make sure they’re cared for and never hurt. It’s the least he could do for getting to bask so freely in their presence, without having to give anything back.

He hates it when they worry about him. Because they shouldn’t, he's not worth it. So for them, he’ll plaster a smile, fake laughs and pretend. Pretend that everything is alright, that it's all sunshine and rainbows and that his world isn’t slowly crumbling.

He's already broken... so how much worse could it get?

**Author's Note:**

> A vent fic where i basically throw all my feelings onto Jaemin haha (sorry bb)
> 
> Sorry if the story is a mess I’m no pro at structuring! And my first language isn’t english, so I apologize for any mistakes made!
> 
> Title is from VICTON’s song Remember Me.


End file.
